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Dear Rain,
I'm a teacher. Up until this year, my grade level was a very close team. We hired a 4th teacher who is young and brand new. She just doesn't fit in. She isn't adding to the team, and doesn't ask questions. I understand being unsure as a new teacher. I was the same way. I don't understand not being curious, not asking for guidance, and not checking in with your mentor teachers about how to do the best job possible. Aside from being the change I wish to see, what advice do you have for me?
Dear Reader,
Yes, you had a beautifully close team. Now that is over and you have experienced a
loss. There is someone new and you are
not happy with the way she fits into your old team. This is a new beginning. You cannot create something honest and beautiful
by playing by the same rules as before.
It may be time to grieve your loss and open your heart to the
possibilities of what is new.
I feel this is a beautiful chance to share the work of Byron
Katie with you. If you are unfamiliar
with her work, check out her book, Loving
What Is. In her book she explains
the four questions and a turnaround to end the suffering we feel in inside.
1. Is
that true?
2. Can
you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How
do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who
would you be without the thought?
Turn
your statement around in 3 ways.
Here is an example:
Start with your statement, I don’t understand not being curious, not
asking for guidance and not checking in with your mentor teachers about how to
do the best job possible. We will break this into two sections to inquire
deeper.
The first and second questions
are: I don’t understand not being curious,
is that true? Can
you absolutely know that it is true that you do not understand what it
feels like to not be curious? Think
about this… allow the truth to surface. Be
clear with only a Yes or No answer
to these questions. I think, and I guess are
not clear decisions. Has there been a
time in your life when you were not curious about what others were doing? Commit
to a yes or no and sit with the
feeling of your answer for a minute or two.
The third question is: How do you react, what happens when you
believe the thought, I don’t
understand not being curious and you are at work with her when she is
acting in that way. What happens in your
body? How do you treat her when you
believe that thought?
The fourth question is: Who would you be without the thought, I do not understand her not being curious? Imagine being faced with her and she is not
curious about joining you and the rest of your team in the way you work
together. She is doing her own thing and
you do not have the thought I do not
understand her not being curious.
What is different? How are you
different? Do you treat her differently?
Let’s turn it around. The first sentence is:
I
do understand not being curious. In any way do you understand this? Give 1-3 examples where that is true or
truer.
She
doesn’t understand how I am not curious. Are you curious about her? Does she know? Can you think of examples
where that statement is true or truer?
I
don’t understand how I am not curious. Are you wanting to learn more about her in an
open, curious way? Give examples where
that is true or truer.
Let’s take the second part of
that sentence…
You do
not understand that she does not ask for guidance and does not check in with you
and the other teachers about how to do the best job possible, is
that true? Can you absolutely know that
thought is true? Again Yes or No is the
proper response to these questions.
How do you react, what happens
when you believe the thought, I don’t
understand that she does not ask for guidance and does not check in with her mentor
teachers? Imagine you are thinking
this thought and you are looking at her.
What feelings are coming up? How
does your day go when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the
thought, I don’t understand that she does
not ask for guidance and does not check in to do the best job possible? You
do not have the thought and you can’t even imagine thinking in this way. What happens when you see her and talk with
her? Do you have different expectations?
Let’s turn it around.
I
do understand her not asking for guidance from us or checking in. What could be the reasons you
understand. Give 1-3 examples where that
is true or truer.
She
doesn’t understand how I am not asking for guidance from her or checking in. Could she be thinking the same way you
are? Can you think of examples where
that statement is true or truer?
I
don’t understand how I am not asking for guidance from her or checking in to do
my best job possible. Is there
something that you might learn from her?
Give examples where that is true or truer.
The work is one way to shift your thinking and your
world. I hope these examples bring a new
perspective to create a different point of view for you to think about. This does not mean there is not the
possibility that she could be learning, asking and allowing you and your team
to guide her, but that is not your journey.
It is hard to put aside the idea to
be the change you want to see, because it is only your journey that
matters. You can only change your own
journey. You cannot create change in
anyone else’s journey, unless they choose it.
That is reality and as Byron Katie says, “To argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.”
I just wonder if she did act as you wanted, would you have
the same opportunity to learn and think about new ideas as you do now?
Remember, the only goal of “the work” is to stop the
suffering and end the battles we live with in our own minds. Often in life, we keep beliefs from long ago
hoping life won’t shift or change. When
life stays the same, we lose the opportunities to truly learn. When it does change, instead of looking at it
as a negative, what if we take it on as a positive challenge to our own spiritual
growth and expansion? As Carl Jung says,
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead
us to an understanding of ourselves.” My experience shows me that people are
brought into our lives to teach us and to guide us.
So now that you have a new “teacher” in your life, I ask
you, what advice can you give me?
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her website:
Copyright 2009 by Rain Fordyce