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It seems I'm deep in a mid-life situation. I feel everything is behind me and all I do is cry for all that is past. I keep telling myself, ‘You can only try to live forward.’ However, yesterday when asking myself what was wrong I answered, ‘I can't handle any more grief!’ My mind is spinning... so many are telling me how old I am, and to just give up! (I am slowly removing these people from my life.) How do you move forward, when your brain keeps digging up things from the past?
Dear Reader,
I am thrilled to inform you: You are right where you need to be and your beautiful, honest question is a perfect way to begin. I want to congratulate you for deciding to remove people from your life who are not bringing you joy. This is a powerful act and it shows how courageous you are! Hmmm…. courage… I just love that word, don’t you?
How does one move forward when the past is haunting them?
Welcome to the journey!
What you have described is the essence of mid-life. It is the challenge of so many and I believe it is one of the most powerful transitions we face in our lifetime. The good news is there are many tools out there to help you along your journey. However, it is only through courageously taking the first step of your journey when your individual answers will begin to come forth.
How do you take your first step?
First things first! Make sure that your system is balanced. Would you ever start a long and challenging journey without taking really good care of yourself first? Creating balance is part of the journey and there is only one way to achieve your balance: through extreme self care.
I define extreme self care as the necessary system of unapologetic activities which create balance and joy in your life.
The activities you choose is entirely up to you.
Here the list of what proved powerful when I started my journey:
- Having the support and guidance of a life coach
- Practice almost-daily meditations
- Stopped dieting
- Stopped eating chemicals and artificial foods
- Had a good assortment of healing herbals, tinctures, and peri-menopause remedies for emergencies.
- Allowing myself a lot of sleep and took regular naps
- Allowing an abundance of alone time to listen to powerful CDs, podcasts, and read inspiring books, while saying no to activities with others.
- Exercise almost-daily
This was not a quick and easy fix. It was a journey of learning what worked for me and what didn’t. Everyone’s journey is different. You cannot walk anyone else’s journey and they cannot walk yours. That being said, once you are balanced and you understand the journey before you, here is the secret to your success:
Be selfish.
Oh yes I know, “selfish” is a difficult word for so many people, especially women. They exclaim, “I can’t be selfish!” and “I am already too selfish!” and “Isn’t it wrong to be selfish?” I have one answer for you..
Until you start living the life that you want to live, you’ll never be able to give what you came to give.
It may seem backwards but the truth is until you allow yourself to be selfish and to give yourself everything that you need to be joyous, you will struggle to find an authentic way to share yourself with others. I’m not quite sure how selfish became such a terrible word. Maybe it was our mothers who said it to us, or our teachers or grandparents.
We learned as children that being selfish was bad. Isn’t that curious? Children are naturally selfish. They automatically take care of themselves first, and then have their abundant natural energy to have fun with their friends, family and the world. We always want to have a child’s energy, but we’re afraid to do the self care that creates it. So here is my list of childlike, selfish activities that create endless amounts of energy:
- Find someone to support you and love you for just being who you are, while telling you how amazing you are on a regular basis and admire your growth
- Take naps and quiet time
- Eat as much as you want, you’re growing after all!
- Eat healthy well rounded meals designed by someone who loves you
- Have an abundant source of remedies such as band aids, magical kisses, and caring potions like raw honey, warm milk and ice cream
- Go to bed early with a good picture book and sleep in as long as you can
- Focus your entire life on only what you are interested in and refuse out loud having to do anything else except what you want to do
- Run, jump, dance, ride your bike, explore the world and forget about the time that you’ve spent outside –don’t come inside until you are physically tired and hungry
Imagine living your life by these rules. Your energy intact and your selfishness is perfect. When we treat ourselves with extreme self care, it allows us to grow and change and adapt to the transformation going on in our lives.
Do the two lists look similar in anyway? It is because extreme self care is positive selfish activities for adults to create energy for the transformation. This next step of the journey in your life is huge! So treat yourself with the best self care so that you may grow into the amazing adult wise woman who is waiting for you to see her.
When you do see her you will no longer feel old, you’ll feel free.
The only reason that you continue to look at the past is because you haven’t finished your business from the past. You can’t move forward until you take care of what is still sitting before you. This is the work you must do, for if you choose to not do the work, as my old mentor used to tell me, “Women have two choices, they either get better or bitter.”
The transitional age of mid-life, is the time that we finish our childish business and get on with being the empowered, beautiful and wise women that we are meant to be. It is wise women who spend their lives sharing their wisdom and being of service to others.
Is that selfish? I beg to differ.
smiles and inspiration!
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her website:
Copyright 2009 by Rain Fordyce