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Dear Rain,
When my husband and I were having children, we made the decision to let go of my career so I could stay home to raise them. I love being with them, though now they are in school for most of the day and I am feeling pulled to go back to my career. I know my husband likes me at home for the boys and him. How do you ask your partner for what you want, even if it involves reversing previously agreed upon decisions?
Yes, this is a powerful question. How do we change our minds when it affects
others we love?
So many of us have made plans for our lives. These plans may be 5-year plans, 10-year
plans and sometimes we can even plan out our lives until the golden age of retirement. Our life fits inside a perfectly planned out
box with beautiful wrap, bows and ribbons.
Making these plans feels so good. We have our eyes on a specific goal to help
us make decisions and steps towards the desired result. We know where we are headed. We are on a track. We are on a rational course.
Then one day, after growing some more, doing some powerful
work, or having a life changing experience, we look at our plan and we don’t
feel connected to it. It may seem silly,
extreme or appear to have been written by someone you don’t know.
Yes, I have experienced this. I understand your challenge.
The answer to “how do you ask for what you want” is simple,
simply ask for what you want. Taking
this first step may just find you free as your partner looks at you and sees
you and says, “Okay.”
I think the challenge is located in the second part of your
question when “it involves reversing previously agreed upon decisions.” I have the feeling the first decision was not
necessarily easy and it feels big and heavy to you. This is a big change, a big shift in the
plans you and your partner have made.
You may already be pretty sure he is going to get upset about you
changing your mind.
When dealing with your life sharing partner, it is very
important to bring up important conversations when you both are ready and have
created the space to do it. Catching
them off guard, or when they come home after a long day at work may not find
him in a receptive state. I tell my clients
to ask their partner for a good time to talk about this and schedule a meeting. Write the date on the calendar and make sure
you have someone watching the kids so you both have your minds clear and
focused on each other and the conversation at hand.
One idea I have always liked allows you both to speak your
minds. Get a timer and set it for 5
minutes. While the timer is going the
other partner is not allowed to interject or interrupt with words or gestures. The goal of this exercise is to practice attentive
listening skills. Now switch and allow
your partner to speak his mind for 5 uninterrupted minutes. This is a great way to hear both sides
clearly. Once you are both heard clearly
and respectfully, understanding might start to grow between you.
Be authentic with your words. It is so easy to be amazed at the power of
honesty!
You might say, “Honey, I know we made the decision for me to
be at home. I have changed since that
time. I have been worried about even
telling you this, because I love and honor the commitments we make
together. The truth is, I no longer feel
I can keep this commitment and be happy as I feel so pulled to go back into the
career that you know I love. Do you
think we can begin to co-create a new plan for our family? You are so important to me and I want you to
be a part of this big change in my life.
I know we will create a brilliant plan together, we always do. How would you like to see us move toward this
new goal?”
Remember to be kind, loving and understanding of your
husband. You may have been thinking about
this for the last year but he is being introduced to it for the first
time. Give him space to breathe, be shocked,
be angry, and worried. Listen to his
concerns and give him time to think about it and discuss it with you after the
initial reaction has worn off. This
loving attention and space only creates a stronger bond between you two, making
your marriage a powerful united force in the universe.
Allow yourself to continue to grow and change. Be persistent in following your inspiration and dreams. And make sure you allow yourself the grace of being in the now, not a pawn in a plan made by a 10-year younger version of you!
smiles and inspiration!
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her website:
Copyright 2009 by Rain Fordyce