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My husband kind of "controls" our money, and we don't fight about it. Money is real tight this year like most people. I have needs that aren't being met like towels, electric blanket, facecloths. Stuff like that. My husband is finally getting his long awaited vacation pay. It won't be a lot but we agreed to split it. Today he said he is not giving me half, because he has bills to pay and he needs a tire on his truck. He said he wants me to take my small part of the vacation money to buy towels and anything for Christmas. I wish we both shared the expenses so I could buy myself some much needed clothes. What do you think? Thank you for taking time to help me!
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your honesty in sharing the challenges you face in your finances and your marriage. There are a few different thoughts coming up for me.
1. 50/50 Relationships Don't Work
2. Being Honest about Money
3. Creating Simple Holidays
Let’s take each thought one at a time, as each thought has a separate answer.
50/50 Relationships don't work because they are based on the idea that each of you bring 50 percent of the gifts to the relationship, and therefore are dependent on each other to make life work. You complete me, is a common phrase for this kind of relationship. This relationship may feel right, The balance is gone and someone is left with a financial or emotional whole. however, what happens if one of you leaves the relationship?
Instead of a 50/50 relationship, where he makes and controls all the money decisions and you decide on household and child care, why not create a 100/100 relationship where you both are in control and making decisions together for your home, family and financial life? Changing the way you live together will be a challenge. It may take many conversations where you can each declare your needs and decisions openly, before you get into a flow of working together.
Here is how I suggest you get started: Ask him when he will be ready to talk about the way the home and money is handled. Don't assume he will want to speak about it right away. Have him give you a good time and write it on your calendar. When that date comes, have a notebook handy and ask him, what is working with the way the money and home decisions are made and what is not. Then tell him what is working for you and what is not. Write down your similarities and celebrate them! Write down your differences and see it as an opportunity for a co-creative challenge.
You have a lifetime to make this work, so why not start co-creating what you really want today?
Being honest about money in a home-sharing relationship is crucial to an authentic marriage that encourages growth, trust and possibilities. Once you have co-created your 100/100 relationship, the next item on the table is being honest about money. This means money coming in, and money going out.
You should have some kind of accounting when you are living on a frugal budget. Write down all that comes in, and all that goes out and leave it open for both to see. When an expense comes up, make sure you write it on the expenses list. Then when you have an income, decide which items are most needed and should be expensed first. Things such as a needed tire, clothes for work or your child should be on a list for you both to review.
If the money is gone, there are other ways to find the things you need. Freecycle and Craigslist are great resources for free or cheap clothes, towels and other household items. Don't just look, make sure you ask for what you want. Shop at garage sales at the last hour they are open. They usually are ready to get rid of their last few items for free or for a dollar or two. Be creative and positive and you will find the household items you need on a shoestring.
Creating Simple Holidays are important when you are on a budget, but also when you want to reduce your holiday stress and for those, like myself, who are looking for a more environmentally friendly holiday. Changing our perspective about how we see the holidays creates a fun opportunity to spend more quality time with those you love, while not creating waste or debt.
Here are my tips for a simple holiday:
- Make Your List. Turn on your favorite holiday music, get the family together and make a list of the holiday traditions that you love to do most. Of these traditions, which are effortless, fun and free? Get creative and think about new ways to find meaning in your family time.
- Deck the Halls, by making your own decorations from recycled items. My kids love to create paper chains to decorate for just about any holiday! Finding the right patterns and colors from old magazines, and turning them into beautiful paper chains is a great way to spend time with your children. Also Freecycle.org and Craigslist.org are a great way to find used decorations and art supplies.
- Gifts can be used. Let go of the value of "new" and find the gift in "renew." This year my green theme was recycled treasures. I spent all year looking for gifts that were perfect for giving, while staying true to my green beliefs. Why not shop used and find gifts at a better cost (of your wallet and the environment!)
- Stay in the here and now. When all your have to’s and should’s show up and start to bring you down, stop, take a deep breath and find the gratitude in your heart about what you do have this holiday (like food, shelter, and family.) Once you are in gratitude, share your joy with your family and let them know that in this moment, you have cause for celebration!
Asking for what you want from your relationship is not something you should sweep under the rug. This situation will surely not go away by just hoping it will. It is important to be kind and confident while asking for what you want from others. Allow the conversation to not go your way, and don't fight it. It just means it is not the right time for you. Bring it up again next week, and the week after until the man you share your life with understands this is important to you and until it is discussed, your needs are not going away. Remember you are friends, not enemies.
Once you both discover the power of co-creation possibilities in your life, you will wonder how you ever lived your life without it!
Enjoy your new perspectives and your co-creative and simple holidays!
smiles and inspiration!
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her website
Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce