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Dear Rain,
I have (who I think) is a really good friend. However, there are times when she seems to be in "social competition" with me and will discuss with other women their plans for breakfast, lunch, etc. in front of me. It honestly doesn't bother me, as we have mutual and non-mutual friends that we do things separately with, but what does bother me is when it's talked about over and over again as if to make me jealous. First I thought I was crazy, but when my friends started calling asking me "what's that all about", I knew it wasn't me. Do I mention it or just ignore it?
Dear Reader,
This is a
fabulous question as we all know women friendships can be complicated. I have often thought about the reason for
this. Here are some of my thoughts.
As women, so
many of us grew up being stripped of our power simply because we were girls. So many of us heard as we grew up, “that’s a
man’s job.” or “I hope you marry well.”
We also were over-socialized to be well mannered. We were told to not be too loud, too big, too
emotional, too pushy, too strong. As we
were told this, we watched the boys get away with a whole host of boisterous
behaviors.
How many of you
heard that you should never show yourself to be too smart, too successful, or too
powerful? Even though we are raised with
extremely strict social rules, we are also naturally social creatures, so
although we struggle, we cannot stop the urge to create groups.
Ah yes,
groups. How quickly groups can turn
into power groups for a select few, in other words, cliques. When women are in a clique, they feel
powerful. Ahhh! Power can feel so good when you are finally able
to find some. So it is understandable where
women might collect as many cliques as they can, and even publicize their
special group’s activities in front of those uninvited.
Now, as far as
your “I think she’s my friend” friend, there are two possible reasons I see for
her behavior.
1.
She’s unaware of why her talking about other plans in front of you might
be unpleasant.
2. She’s insecure and wants everyone to
know she has a busy and full schedule so that she can look powerful and highly
desired to everyone around her.
Which one seems
to best categorize her behavior to you?
Now here is what
you have to do:
1. Write down 3 times you made a mistake
and spoke about something that probably hurt someone else right in front of
them.
2. Write down 3 times you have also felt
insecure and tried to build yourself up in front of other women to claim your
own power.
Once you have
done this work, you might see something that you both have in common. Or you might see something more. If her behavior was a gift, what do you think
it is trying to teach you? See your own
humanness and you will be able to talk to your friend with more clarity and
compassion.
I suggest you
speak with your friend. Here are two
possible ways you could try it:
If you want to,
you can make a special date with this friend and explain your thoughts to
her. It may sound something like,
“Josie, I really love hanging out with you and I am so glad we both have such
busy and fulfilling lives. The thing is
that when you talk about your exciting plans in front of me, I feel so excited
about them, I want to go, too, but you are not including me. I just wanted you to know it makes me
uncomfortable.”
Now if that
route of honesty isn’t your style, you may just want to wait until the next
time that she talks about events, you are not invited to, in front of you and
let her know right then and there! It
may sound like, “Josie, I think I am having a challenging day, so I wish you
didn’t talk about your plans with others in front of me today.” And just leave it at that.
The problem with
ignoring it, is that you are already doing that, and nothing is going to change
except for the choice you may make in the future to not be around this person
at all.
I know we all
want to have friends and sometimes we feel we have to take what we can
get. However, the fact that you describe
her as “I think she’s my friend” means you
like her. There is a part of you that
enjoys that she is your friend.
You may decide
to surrender control, and just decide this woman is the friend you like, who
talks about her amazing social life in front of others, who are not invited.
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her site -
Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce