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Dear Rain,
I have a really tough time not saying negative things about others and have a tendency to make sarcastic remarks. I want to change this and I am trying very hard. Is there any advice out there on how to avoid talking about others... while not being rude to the person who is talking to you about the other person? Please help…
Dear Reader,
First, I really want to thank you for your courage and honesty, as well as, honor your awareness of this challenge and your desire to become a positive speaker. Gossip and sarcasm are not positive ways to communicate, no matter how light-hearted the tone.
I truly believe the reason this kind of negative talk survives is because of one very important rule:
You are who you hang
around.
Here
is my experience:
I have been working on this positive speaking pattern
for years, but one thing kept me stuck.
I had sarcastic friends who gossiped in my life. We would have sessions. It felt safe to be negative with those
friends, and I would fully engage in this practice behind closed doors, whenever
I was feeling down, even when it felt terrible to do so. Often my negativity would show up when I was
around positive speakers as well, to my own embarrassment. I would then feel so
bad about myself, I would want to run to the comfort of my gossipy friends. It was a hard cycle to break. Remember, whatever you practice you become
very good at…
When
I began seeing a life coach, my practice became more frequent towards positive
talking. I loved the graceful way she
spoke to me without judgment or jokes. I
also was struck by the concern she showed for me, when I would say something
off-handed as a joke. She made me notice
and question this automatic pattern more often, than not. Slowly,
I became extremely sensitive to my language and words. This is a practice for me still. I still can have a bad day.
However,
now that I choose to be around others who use their words for kindness, fun and
encouragement, I tend to be able to speak positive easily and without effort. I am not telling you to leave all your
friends… no, on the contrary… sometimes it only takes one positive person to
change the energy of a group.
Here
are two fabulous tools to help you when you notice you are in a negative
conversation:
The
first one is for when you are spending time with someone who is being
negative. It is powerful and easy to do,
once you get the hang of it.
Silence and Smile
A Silence
and Smile makes a positive statement grow more powerful, but it diffuses a
negative one. So the next time you are
around a friend who says, “Doesn’t Sally look ridiculous in that dress?” Just be silent and smile a loving smile. The loving smile comes from the understanding
that you also have gossiped and you understand why she is doing it. It is so easy to love other humans when we
understand this principal. If she would
have said something positive, do you see how your reaction would make her sentiment
stronger? The Silence and Smile is easy
to practice in any situation!
The
second tool is for when you, out of pure habit, say something sarcastic or
negative. It is also amazingly powerful,
though not as easy to do until you get the hang of it.
Apologize and
Forgive
Taking
responsibility for yourself and saying sorry when you spread negativity is a
powerful way to cancel out those negative remarks. So let’s say it was you who said those words
about Sally. You might respond by
telling your friend, “Wow! I must be having a bad day, I am so sorry I said
that about Sally. I really am working on
being positive with my words. I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable
when I said that.” Now love yourself the
same way you would love another person for doing the same thing. It is important to forgive yourself so that
you do not create resistance, which often causes repetition of negative habits.
Using
these tools and allowing yourself a lot of time to practice, should find you
blazing a trail of positive and powerful language.
I
want to thank you for your question. Thinking
about spreading positive words helps me imagine a world where gossip and
sarcasm are no longer parts of people’s lives and the positive energy is so
strong, it fills our world with nothing but the language of love!
Rain
You can find out more about Rain and life coaching at her site -
Copyright 2008 by Rain Fordyce